Maine toate filmele din capul meu revin cu picioarele pe pamant.

Sa-mi cer iertare de la Tine, ca sa fiu mai aproape de cer. Sa iert si sa iubesc.
Sa accept, sa daruiesc, sa fiu oglinda Tie.

Nimic din ce as cunoaste in lume, nu ma face sa fiu un om mai bun.

nu m-am gandit pana acum dar, de ce, in basme si in povestile cu printi, fetele sunt cele care merg la palat sa-l vada si nu invers? printul nu a facut nimic, cenusareasa a fost cea care a mers la bal.

 daca ar fi sa aleg un lucru care sa imi descrie viata ar fi o particica din aria La Boheme de Giacomo Puccini, partea instrumentala pentru valsul Musettei. ( Musetta's waltz) incepe cu o stare de vis, armonie, de basm asa cum imi inchipui cateodata si are un final tragic, dramatic dar totusi cu dragoste. incerc sa inteleg pe unde ma aflu in acest moment..

un nimic si-un nimeni

Nimeni nu mai merita nimic. Nimic nu mai conteaza. Nu mai dau nimic. Celor ce le dadeam totul nu mai primesc nimic. Desi ma doare sa nu dau. Sunt creata sa daruiesc. Dar lor nu le mai dau nimic. O sa dau altora care nu au nimic, nu ca ei ar conta mai putin. Noi avem prea mult. Noi suntem satui si de iubire. Suntem satui sa mai primim. Daca le-am dat prea mult. Nimeni nu merita nimic. E incomfortabila pana si siguranta cu care se hranesc zilnic, minut cu minut, oamenii ce traiesc in orasul dusurilor cu presiune la apa calda. Degeaba; li s-a infundat sufletul cu-atata verde de paris.

Rhinocerul picassonian

astazi in metrou imi imaginam cum as desena un rinocer picassonian. cu nasul mic si ingrasat si cu capul deformat, de vina-i falca stanga.
dar imaginatia mea, in leganatul rotilor, a fost brusc intrerupta cand din statia a doua a urcat sprancenatul Leonardo di Caprio, cel cu fulgere-n privire si cu mintea ascutita.
daca stau sa ma gandesc ar fi putut fi un al doilea Traian Vlaicu. dar s-a dus, l-am scufundat precumTitanicul asteptand din sufragerie sa se scurga boabele de nisip.

in curand voi fi aterizata in raiul dusurilor cu presiune la apa calda.

inca un munte

Stii, cateodata creierul meu nu respira cum trebuie. De aia scriu ce scriu. Te pune pe ganduri, cateodata.
si ma simt de parca tot urc dealuri, dealuri si munti. timpul trece si anii raman marcati de tot ce lasam in urma. cand ne-am straduit sa facem tot prin fortele nostre sa implinim promisiuni. am fost creati sa luptam pentru asta. sa urcam orice munte care apare in drumul pe care-l purtam.
si inca mai ai indoieli?
ai uitat ca traiesti cu scopul de a te inalta, mai sus decat toti uriasii ? si cateodata ma simt de parca nu mai am puteri.. sa urc. dar inima-mi reaminteste ca intotdeauna noi oportunitati, si putere, vor umplu golul asta imens. si ma gandesc ca eu, de fapt, nu fac nimic sa creasca sau sa scada, nu pot adauga un metru sau un strop in toata existenta mea. totul se intampla pentru ca doar El este.

Cel care da visuri noi.

cand Fahrenheit 451 se-ntalneste cu 1984,

mi-ar fi placut sa avem un semineu si sa fie caldura in casa, sa miroase a scortisoara pana la vecinii mei arabi. mi-ar fi placut sa pun sclipici pe toti peretii si sa te sun pe skype sa vezi.
mi-am cumparat trei flori, si am plantat trei bulbi intr-un ghiveci. flori olandeze care nu stiu ce vor sa fie cand or sa rasara dar or sa lumineze ca blitzul, la fereastra.
pe masa zac pensoanele si panza exact cum le-ai lasat. ai plecat inspirato si de atunci tot astept, tot stau si  astept sa te regasesc. muzica nu mai imi place, nimic nu mai e ca inainte. totul scartaie acum. macar de s-ar asemana cu sunetele unor scanduri uzate de vantul timpului.
mi-au inghetat degetele de la picioare, nu-mi gasesc botosii dar ma bucur de cartile mele. am strans 40 de kg de carti. in fiecare dimineata la mic dejun mananc o portie de randuri, de litere imbibate in laptele cunostintei. iar mirosul..mmmm, nici nu pot sa il descriu. esenta de parfum pura pe care nu a inventat-o nimeni, doar exista. nu conteaza unde sunt, in tren sau chiar in intersectie, mirosul unei pagini proaspat tiparite, mirosul acela de vechi, de nou.

fug cu inima, dar ma regasesc tot in aceeasi casuta creponata cu pereti pictati de mucegai. un albastru frumos la ora fixa. si inca nu ti-am spus povestea cand chiar m-am intalnit cu Mos Craciun. aceea e chiar o poveste adevarata intr-un context banal din viata. m-am intalnit cu Mos Craciun in statie la bus. si mi-a facut cu mana.

imi doresc... imi doresc sa gasesc in minte lucrurile care imi doresc sa le infaptuiesc. o sa merg la patinoir si nu stiu daca o sa te tin de mana sau daca esti prezent.
mi-ai spus ca fug, ca fug de mine si de toti. nici tu nu stii de ce fug. pana acum stiu doar ca am ajuns departe.

am ajuns sa ma instrainez.

nu mai e timp pentru asta

tot ce se intampla pe pamant ma face sa gandesc ca n-o sa te mai intalnesc in asta' lume ci in viitor, dincolo de zarile albe. si mi-as fi dorit sa pot sa te vad in carne si oase, sa iti vad chipul si sa simt bratul tau.
tot ce gandesc e ca o sa te intalnesc in Rai si o sa-mi fi prezentat ca cel pe care trebuia sa il intalnesc, cel cu care trebuia sa merg impreuna prin viata, si ca o sa ajungem la adanci batraneti.
tot ce ma gandesc e ca in clipa aia cred ca esti cel mai frumos, ca o sa ai un chip de inger, si o sa stralucesti.
tot ce ma gandesc e ca nu mai am timp sa iubesc, nu mai am timp sa ma gandesc ca pot sa te intalnesc aici si sa te iubesc.
tot ce ma gandesc e ca nu mai e timp pentru asta.
tot ce ma gandesc e ca dragostea e-o tragedie.

suflete egoiste

Doamne, incotro ne ducem? dar unde suntem?
Devenim cu totii niste suflete triste,
Goi, si reci ca mortii.

Nu avem nevoie de arme sa fim mai rai decat musulmanii teroristi.

this song anoints my heart...  Bethel - A little longer 

adevarul nu e niciodata interzis.

raspunsul tau e ca arsita soarelui in luna lui cuptor.
de ce nu vine?
in soarele de august toropind,
pe frunte-ti curg sudori.
te-ai ascunde dar nu ai unde, nu ai cum.

ai bea un strop de la izvor - ar alina durerea
dar nepasarea-i val vartej
si te-a rapus in lan
de mijloc.

de-atunci ai schiopatat usor zile de-a randul
si nu ai incetat sa rogi
prefericitul inger:

raspunde-mi.

questions

how can we respond to someone without hurting them when we are hurt? how can we avoid to hurt someone when we are hurt? how can we respond in love and not out of our pain?

oh, de ar stii cineva cate am pe inima.. mi-e gandul sa ma duc sa ma inchid intr-o cabina de spovedanie la preot...poate asa as gasi un prieten si un umar care sa asculte.

A childlike heart

i wish i could still be like a 3 year old little girl and when i would wake up in the morning the first thing i would say would be: "I am a princess." This is how Gabrielle is doing every day when she wakes up. i keep telling her how beautiful she is, like a princess.

today this made me think about how important it is to know our true identity in God, about how we were created to be and to live this life.
we've been created in His own image - we've been redeemed with the price of His precious blood, this must make us think how much we matter to Him. we are His precious children.
we've been created to live like His childs, our joy, identity and freedom is found in Him alone. God's love for us amazes me - His love is unconditionally, is not based on what we do perfectly right or anything else, except Himself. He loves us at our best and worse. when we will truly believe that He loves us this much we will start to see ourselves as He sees us. i know that many times i let the enemy to steal the joy of this truth from my heart and letting him to bring doubt and dissapointment, and this is so wrong. once i've been made right in Christ nothing nothing nothing can separate me from His love. I'm God's child forever. He will never abandon me, or leave me, or forsake me, because His love is eternal and He will always be by my side.
i know who i am in Christ, i know how precious i am and how wonderful i've been created to be, but i pray and i need His strength to live in His truth every day and in every circumstance. I proclaim His truth in my life:

I am a princess.

i also thought about how God sees us like flowers, like a garden that He wants to take care of. A garden to look beautiful has to be cleaned first, and so i imagine God taking care of our hearts. if He is the gardener of our hearts we will be cleaned and He will cut down everything that doesn't please His heart.
God cares about your heart and everything it's in it, He wants to take care of it. If we won't let Him to take care of it, we will grow weary and we won't be in blossom and joy as we should be.
Winter is gone, but spring is already here.
Let Him make you who He wants you to be.

"My beloved spoke and said to me,
Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, come with me.
See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land.
The fig tree forms its early fruit;
the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling;
my beautiful one, come with me. "---Song of Songs 2:10-11

well, yeahhh.. here is a good question that went through my mind this evening while i was watching White Collar with my sister. How do men match their tie to a suit?

if i would be a guy i would wear any tie. i like ties. bowties. ;)

my soul is bitter and in pain, and it seems like it's not only one hurt - it hurts in all the corners of my heart and soul.  i know that you know this God, and i know that you won't leave me this way. my life depends on You.

why are you cast down and sad, oh my soul?
why can't you live and be full of life and joy? i know there are not only flowers on this path, in this world and life is not "la vie en rose". my God, could You please heal this sea of pain? this sea of sadness from my soul, from my eyes?

i know that for my life You prepared everything, in a unique way, making me unique and i know that in Your eyes i'm precious, i have value. i know that in Your word there is no lie.
my God, i'm fighting with this thoughts that troubles my heart, and this is not from You. i fight to see my true worth that you poured out in me. i'm fighting to not believe all the lies that i'm not good enough and that my life is nothing without meaning, sense, when i know that You wrote on it with Your precious blood "Glorious- one that brings glory to My name".
i fight to be a true believer, to love the way you teach me how to do it, when it's hard to love because we are not perfect. i fight to hear Your voice louder than anything that tells me that i have to hate and to stop being what You made me to be and what You created in me. i fight to hear Your voice in the storm when in fact You are next to me and You calm everything. my God, i fight to be myself. i don't know how to live. i fight to breathe and my heart struggles to beat. make it beat for You.

my help comes from the Lord.
pure truth, but i'm wondering how? through what? by whom? it is said that God works through us, the human beings. my help comes from the Lord, but How? what is a friend when a friend is closer than a brother? and what does to love, to care mean?
there are no good samaritans among us anymore, or i'm living in the most awful place on this earth maybe.

i know that two thousand years ago someone overcame all this for me and He said " It is finished."
and right now, i need Him. i need Him to help me see the truth.

so faith by itself, if it doesn not have works, is dead. - james 2:17

faith without works/action is dead. this applies in the case of friendship too, right? friendship without action is in fact dead. just saying that you are friend with someone it is not enough. it is the same with love too, right?
just saying to someone that you love that person but you're not showing it, it is nothing in fact. am i right?
for me it does make sense.

delicious food i like...

SYRIAN FOOD

One day we went to visit a refugee family and they invited us to have lunch with them; they prepared for us real syrian food and it was more than yummi and good!

We really felt welcomed- I am grateful for this experience and for everyone I've met and for every new place I've seen.

And one morning we had egyptian breakfast - beans with pickles, which was very weird for me to eat it in the morning, but it was delicious! :)

 And that one time when we went to buy some cake and we took a picture with the store's employees. This is kunefa:

Goodbye Istanbul

We left Istanbul at 2am, we were all tired and anxious to arrive in Jordan. At about half the distance of our journey we went through a snow storm and it was so intense that we thought we will crash and die, and we started to pray. For sure God didn't lead us there to let us die up in the air.
We landed safely in Amman after all the turbulences, we all felt sick but we were with our feet on the ground, thanking God for keeping us safe.
A local person took us with a car from the airport and we drove for one hour and a half to Mafraq, the city where we stayed for a week.
Jordan is a beautiful, though scanty country. There are villages strewn all over the hills, beduin and refugee tents and olive orchards.
Syrian men take their families to the town of Mafraq or into the camp, leave them to their own fate and cross the border again in order to fight in their home country.
We helped the local church  to distribute mattresses, pillows, blankets, stoves with gas, food and whatever those people needed, and not only this, we wanted to share God's love and to be a light for them, we wanted to bring comfort and to encourage them that there is hope, there is a hope that lasts forever- that hope we find in God alone.
Put into groups of three or four we daily visited the Syrians. Few of them live in tents in the town. Most have found shelter in shacks, cellars or shabby rooftop rooms the Jordanians give them. Unfortunately, they take horrendous prices for that as the guests have no options...
There are 60.000 Jordanians and now another 60.000 Syrians in the town or more..
Some Syrians are doing well enough to afford a furbished room, most of them are not. Nobody has a work permission, thousands of refugees come to church for help and to be registered every day.
Their lives are completely out of what comfort or familiar or safety means. Their stories sound like those from some horror movies. People are hurt, grieving, with emotional traumas- especially the children- without a hope of a future or a way to rebuild their lives.
Visiting them and bringing them food also opened a door for us to share about God's love and about that hope we find only in Jesus. It was surprinsigly to see how they didn't reject us or the message we brought, and we prayed together in the name of Jesus.
God is using this little church for two years now when no one heard about it before. God brings hope, life, healing, and help for these people in need. And i know it's only the beginning...

Jordanian desert and the UN refugees's camp

Beni and Elisa helping at the distribution of mattresses and pillows

in the church 

Magued, one of the volunteers who helped at bringing food for the refugees

Egyptians volunteers

Mafraq's streets

 

view from the rooftop of the church

almost 19 C degrees in Jordan; it was sunny

Amman

Is this possible?

Is it possible that maybe I took away all their hate and gave them all my love so that they won't hate again and live a life in love, in hope? And maybe this way they won't be lost again and then for me it would still be a chance to find love and to love again.

The rising sun

Still living in Paris since three autumns ago and been seeing God's hand and answers more than many times in my life and I am grateful that He was beside me every moment I needed it. I know His plans for my life are the best and I choose to trust Him and wait upon Him always.
 Some verses that encouraged me recently through a friend, from Jeremiah 1:11,12 "The word of the LORD came to me saying, "What do you see, Jeremiah?" And I said, "I see a rod of an almond tree." Then the LORD said to me, "You have seen well, for I am watching over My word to perform it." And I loved this passage and it remained in my heart because it's carrying a message of hope. God is watching that His will to be done, His word to be fulfilled. He is watching over us so that His will to be done in our lives. What He says and what He promises He keeps, He fulfills, He gives, He does. He is watchful when we need something so we can have it, He watches to make sure that His children are being blessed and they prosper. Also He watches to make sure that we are living in His will - even if we will fall He continues to lift us up, to forgive us, to love us, over and over again. He is watching over us so that we may grow in faith and be strengthened in Him.
 God is so good! He wants to be sure that you have everything you need to remain in Him, and to continue to trust Him. God knows what you're going through right now, and He says "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." because He loves you with an everlasting love and He can't stop thinking about you.
I've been praying for something new, something fresh in my life and I received the answer. Sometimes it's worth the waiting. And as I came to Romania to see my dentist, my staying here got to be longer than i planned it but it turned to be something beautiful and unexpected. One day a friend wrote me about a mission trip to Jordan to help the syrian refugees there and it lit something in my heart and it made me want to go. It's incredible how God put things together and everything went well and i could go with other three people, also my best friends. They have great hearts for loving God and serving Him and sharing His love with other people, with those in need and it's been an honor to be part of this team- i haven't been on (a) mission for four years but my heart still beats for this and I hope to go back there, on missions, for a full time soon.

The sun is rising above the clouds at 6 am in the morning carrying a new hope, a fresh start for each one of us. "Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." We had a 18h layover in Istanbul so we had time to visit the city around for a few hours. So here are some photos from our tour in Istanbul:

6am waiting for our flight

in Istanbul, having breakfast and some turkish tea

visiting the Blue Mosque

The Basilica Cistern

soup - that probably Ian would like it more than me- it was spicy;
he told me his roommate made him soup one day - i think it was the same

a delicious lunch at Tamara's restaurant. enjoying a chiken kebab

at the bazaar. always full of people

with beni and elisa and andreea behing the camera. love them.

spicy condiments

between Europe and Asia

The Bosphorus strait, between the new and the old Istanbul

my beautiful friends.

Can you find me??

stay tuned...

Hello dear friends, I know I haven't been here for a while, but I will come back with some fresh thoughts really soon. Until then I hope you're all ok. Revin cu vesti din Orientul Mijlociu. Hugs